Sports are great. You get to have fun, but most of all you get to exercise.  Golf is one of those types.  I am by no means a competitive golfer.  I just enjoy the game.  My wife and kids even play.  Every year, at one of our states conferences, they have a golf tournament.  Some may argue if the event is sporting, since the only walking you do is from the cart to your ball.  Just the nature of the beast.  I have played in it for many years, however, this year I opted out and instead decided I would help out at the conference.


On the day of the event, at the last minute I had to run the prepared lunches out to the golf course.  After a 15 minute drive through the mountains, I arrived.  This golf course is beautiful and last year it was a challenging course.  After delivering the lunches, they offered to let me use one of the carts at the club house to drive around the course and meet and greet the players.

This course is very hilly.  It seems it is all up hill.  I made my way around the entire 18 holes of the course, which took a great deal of time.  I got to interact with each player and watch them make some outstanding shots, and others which we won’t talk about.

After traveling around the course, I knew that I had not seen everyone out there.  I decided to make another loop.  This turned out to be not such a great idea.

After driving for a while and seeing the last team, I noticed that the cart was slowing down.  Uh oh.  Battery going down.  Well I can’t turn around because I just drove down some steep hills.  Best choice was to drive forward until I hit the utility path.  After and eternity of driving, I was driving slower and slower.  At one point, I believe I saw a 6 month old baby crawl past me.  The golf cart stopped and could do no more.  Using a modified Flintstone maneuver, I managed to put my right foot on the accelerator and push with the left.  After forever, I grew tired.  Simple enough, not that far to go, switch legs.  This didn’t last long because every bit of juice was sucked out of the battery and the cart would not budge.  I am stranded.  

I quickly switched into mountain man mode.  I checked my supplies and estimated that I had approximately 136 milliliters of water left.  I noted the club house number on the cart, but I had no service.  Seeing nothing of use left, I set out.  After five minutes of walking, I ran across some friends.  They offered to let me ride with them.  I declined as I have a great sense of ability and knew where I was.  I wasn’t more than 5 minutes from the club house and they were heading in the opposite direction.  This turned out to be a mistake that led to the great spirit walk of 2012.


I set out once again.  The hills became steeper.  I grew weary and my water was running low.  At one point I turned around because I thought I went the wrong way.  I was met by another hill.  I thought I just walked up that way!  I am surrounded by up!  Turns out my impeccable sense of direction just lets me know I am somewhere on Earth.  I continued to walk.  It was so hot.  The wind was blowing.  I felt like I was walking into the largest blow dryer on the planet.  I took a short cut through the woods and became disoriented.  I ran out of water.  Bear Grylls moment coming on.  I grew hungry.  I found a deer and attempted to feed from it.  Turns out it was made of styrofoam.  I found a Walmart sack.  Just 92 more and I can fashion a sleeping bag.  No longer aware of the date (dehydration) I feared it was hunting season.  I camouflaged myself so I would not become mistaken for a deer.  Maybe fashioning a hat out of twigs that look like antlers was not a good idea.  

I finally hit a paved road.  Looking at my clock, 30 minutes had elapsed since my last contact with humans.  Did 12/12/2012 occur and I am the only one left?  Then it got weird.  Jimi Hendrix appeared and walked with me.  For a dead guy, he was in shape.  As we were walking, he looked at my hand and noted the empty water bottle.  I didn’t throw it out because I had fashioned it into a spy glass.  After many attempts, I realized it didn’t work.  He must have sensed I grew tired of its weight.  He told me to not throw it on the ground because my littering would make the St. Louis Arch cry.  I absolutely got this comment.  It was profound.  Actually, I was dehydrated.


As I came over the top of the hill, I saw the clubhouse.  Was it an illusion?  My phone rang and snapped me out of my stupor.  It was my wife.  Noting I was out of breath, she asked what I was doing.  I gave her a quick run down and told her I was so hot.  She in then said, “please don’t tell me you are wearing your underwear on your head”.  She knows me so well!  I was because it turns out wearing antlers on your head is a fashion no-no.  

When I reached the club house, I immediately ran in and asked the first person I saw “What is the date good man”  With a strange look, he answered.  I had survived.

Guess golf really is an athletic sport that test the limits of the human spirit.

Just when you think you have technology figured out and set up just right, it always finds a way to mess with you at the most opportune moments.

Being more health conscious as I am getting closer to “more than young” age, (old is a state of mind), I signed up for a 5K.  I really wanted to run in a 10K, but I have not had the opportunity to run for about three and a half weeks.  The run was held this last Saturday.  I prepped for it that morning, including getting the perfect playlist put together.  I wanted to make sure that the music had the right tempo to get keep me motivated.  Its also a pain distraction technique, cause I knew that some element of pain would creep in.

Started the run out just great.  Not a bad first mile pace.  Second mile came around, just a tad bit slower.  That third mile finally crept up on me.  Getting tired, starting to hurt.  Relying on my music was going to help!  Turns out, the techno gremlin struck.  

My playlist had somehow self altered.  Thinking I was going to be motivated with upbeat music, it started to become ironic.  First, that song “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry comes on.  Slow, and if you think about it ironic.  After that one was done, “I Breath In, I Breathe Out” by David Kersh starts.  Slow, sorta motivational because it does say put one foot in front of the other.  Hit the forward button because it was to slow.  The final straw was “Ain’t No Grave” by Johnny Cash came on.  This is getting ridiculous, or was it an omen.  Easy solution, turn the music off.

So instead of the upbeat music to motivate me, all I was left with was this annoying heavy breathing and occasional grunts and groans.  Only problem was the beat was sporadic and the artist had no talent.  At least I crossed the finish line and didn’t come in last.

I think their needs to be a more definitive means of saying you will trust one another when you say your marriage vows.  In the many examples I have read, and even recalling my own vows, it is more of an implied statement.

I decided to play a little joke on my wife the other morning.  You see, our Golden Retriever has developed halitosis.  Its not that repulsive, but it is not the pleasant dog breath that most of my previous pets have had.  Granted, when you give dogs biscuits it helps out their dental hygiene.  In my case its not that simple.  Our poor dog has a sensitive stomach and bad things happen when you give her a biscuit, regardless of brand.  

My wife found dog toothpaste, complete with a toothbrush the other day.  I guess my complaining oufile://localhost/Users/JamesWilliams/Desktop/toothbrush2.jpgt loud about old “I have no idea what you ate or have been chewing on but don’t breath around me” hit home and she bought it.  Truth be told, it was more than likely bothering her as well.  She had the fun in brushing the dogs teeth.  She (the dog) actually handled it quite well and seemed to enjoy it much like a spa treatment.  

The next morning as I was getting ready for work, I noticed the dogs toothbrush sitting on our bathroom sink.  The seed was planted and I was going to sow it.  When my wife got out of the shower, I stood there with the dogs toothbrush in hand.  I told her, “Thanks darlin for getting me a new toothbrush, I really needed a new one!”

I did not get the reaction I expected.

Instead of the look of horror and/or disgust, my wife stood there with a blank look on her face.  I simply thought maybe she was not awake yet and emphasized that the brush worked really good and got all those hard to reach places.  Again, the blank look.  Realizing that she was on to my ruse, I asked her if she planned on telling me that it was our dogs toothbrush.  She said no.  

I thought she was to care for me in sickness and in health, for better or worse.  I thought this implied trust.  Either that or she was wise to my joke or had the view that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.  Now I regret using that brush with the soft side and the other side has steel bristles.  Maybe thats the dogs brush too.